I’m going, to be honest, these posts give me so much anxiety. Just going through all the emotions again is difficult, and I’ve tried to keep everyone up to date on my Instagram because it’s a little more short and sweet. On here I try to be as specific with you as much as I can so that makes this process a little more difficult.
I will say that this one will be a little shorter because it’s still a little fresh. Since my last infertility post Chris and I have gone through two cycles of IUI with Clomid and progesterone treatments. The last one was just a few weeks ago. We actually thought we were pregnant because an at-home test showed a very very very faint positive, but the next day I got my period. After the last failed IUI we decided to take a break from them. The emotional toll was more than I was expecting. I feel like I read everything out there about what to expect physically and emotionally but there was no preparing for the roller coaster of emotions.
All of the shots, hormones, bloodwork, procedures, and everything else I have put my body through over the last year has just added up to being too much for me and my mental and physical health. Chris and I both believe that it’s time to give my body a chance to breathe. We both agree that I have a very hard time learning how to relax. I have always been a person that has a hard time dealing with stress and relaxing. I’m naturally a worrier, planner, and an overachiever with stressing ha! My main focus right now is to heal from the heartache, let go of feeling like I can control my life, and turn everything over to God. I know that my stressing only makes my chances of getting pregnant less and less. With all the doctor appointments, medications, and everything in between just cause more stress and make it harder for me to just breathe.
I’ve been fasting, reading and meditating on the Word more, and reading books from Christian authors on how to let my stress go. I love a good Christian self-help book, and I’ve been reading some great ones lately that I will be sharing on here soon!
So that’s where we are right now. We are stopping treatments, no more buying at-home pregnancy tests in bulk, no more googling symptoms, bye-bye to charting every single thing, see ya later books that guarantee pregnancy if I do every single stressful thing they tell me to do. While some of these things may be good for others they have just added more stress to my life at the point in time. I’m having to learn to let control go and wait on God’s timing. This has been the hardest lesson of my life, and I’m just hoping that I learn what He needs me to.